The Power of Praise: Rewarding Effort Over Outcome
How the Perfectionist Mindset Leads to Fear of Failure
Unintentionally, our society praises outcomes! We see it time and time again in school. Higher grades often get rewarded… but this doesn’t necessarily represent the amount of work put in. You may have a child who worked 10x harder but didn’t get the same result as others. Because of this, we may accidentally teach kids that their value hinges on being flawless and the best. When we say, “You’re so smart!” after an A+, it feels good in the moment—for both the child and the adult. But, it has the possibility of setting an impossibly high bar. Kids start to think, “If I don’t get an A next time, am I still smart?” Over time, this may create a fear of failure.. they’d rather not try than risk falling short. But what if we shifted the spotlight? What if we praised effort instead? This doesn’t mean never praising the outcome, but adding in other praises so that kids can recognize their efforts and be proud of the work put in. They will be able to try new things, knowing they will be noticed not only for the result but for the effort leading up to it.
Shifting to effort-based praise doesn’t just reduce fear of failure; it rewires how kids see themselves. When we celebrate the process—the late nights studying, the messy first drafts, the willingness to ask for help—we show kids that growth matters more than perfection. This builds resilience, the kind that helps them face a tough math test or a missed soccer shot without crumbling.
This might feel unnatural at first. We’re wired to cheer the wins. But try this: next time your child brings home a project, ask, “What was the hardest part for you?” or “What’s one thing you tried that felt tricky?” and then celebrate their courage, not just their success. Recognize little things you notice about their work: “I can tell how much time you put into this!”. You’re not ignoring the outcome—you’re just putting it in context.
Practical Tips to Get Started
Be Specific: Instead of “Great job,” try “I noticed how you kept practicing even when it got tough—that’s impressive.”
Normalize Struggle: Share your own stories. “I messed up a recipe last week, but I learned something for next time!”
Balance It Out: If they ace something, acknowledge it, but tie it to effort. “This A shows how much you studied—I see the work you are putting in to school!”
Watch Your Tone: Kids pick up on disappointment. If they don’t “win,” focus on what they gained—like persistence or a new skill. There is always something to learn.
How the Perfectionist Mindset Can Lead to Fear of Failure
A perfectionist mindset in children is like a double-edged sword: it can drive them to excel, but it often plants the seeds for a deep-seated fear of failure. Here’s how it happens:
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Perfectionists see outcomes in black-and-white terms—either they’re perfect, or they’ve failed entirely. A 95% on a test isn’t a success; it’s a 5% failure. This rigid mindset turns minor missteps into catastrophes in their eyes, making any risk feel threatening.
Self-Worth Tied to Performance: For perfectionists, achievements aren’t just accomplishments—they’re proof of their value. If they don’t meet impossibly high standards (their own or others), they may internalize it as “I’m not good enough.” The fear of failing becomes a fear of being unworthy.
Avoidance of Risk: When perfection is the goal, anything less feels intolerable. Kids start dodging challenges—new sports, tough classes, even creative projects—because the possibility of not being the best outweighs the reward of trying. Failure isn’t a lesson; it’s a threat.
Pressure Amplifies Anxiety: Perfectionists often feel watched—by parents, peers, or themselves. This constant pressure to perform flawlessly creates a feedback loop: anxiety about failing fuels more perfectionism, which heightens the fear of slipping up. Over time, they’re paralyzed by “what if I mess up?”
Overfocus on Mistakes: Instead of celebrating effort or progress, perfectionists fixate on flaws. A single wrong answer overshadows a page of right ones. This hypercritical lens magnifies failure, making it feel inevitable and unbearable.
How to Help Kids Avoid Becoming Perfectionists
Preventing or unwinding perfectionism isn’t about lowering standards—it’s about redefining success and building a healthier relationship with failure. Here are practical ways to help kids steer clear of that mindset:
Model Imperfection: Let kids see you mess up and handle it with grace. Spill the milk and laugh, “Oops, guess I’m not a pro chef yet!” When they see adults embrace flaws, they learn it’s safe to be human.
Praise Effort, Not Results: Shift the focus from “You’re so smart” to “I love how you kept trying.” This teaches them that persistence, not perfection, is what matters. Be specific—“You worked hard figuring out that puzzle”—to reinforce the process.
Normalize Mistakes as Growth: Frame errors as opportunities. If they bomb a spelling quiz, say, “What did you learn for next time?” Make it clear that mistakes don’t define them—they’re just stepping stones.
Set Realistic Expectations: Help kids set goals they can reach with effort, not superhuman skill. Break tasks into manageable chunks—a book report becomes “write one paragraph today” instead of “create a masterpiece.” Success builds confidence; impossible standards breed fear.
Encourage Risk-Taking: Celebrate attempts, even if they flop. Sign them up for something new—karate, painting—and cheer the first awkward steps. “You tried a kick—that’s brave!” shows them effort trumps outcome.
Teach Self-Compassion: Perfectionists are brutal self-critics. Ask, “Would you talk to a friend this way?” Help them reframe harsh thoughts—“I’m terrible at this” becomes “I’m still learning, and that’s okay.”
Limit Over-Correction: Resist fixing every flaw. If they draw a lopsided cat, don’t grab the pencil to “improve” it. Let it be. Over-correcting signals that only perfection is acceptable.
Create a Safe Space for Failure: Build an environment where flops aren’t judged. Play games where losing is fun or share stories of famous “failures” (like Edison’s 1,000 lightbulb tries) to show it’s part of success.
Watch Your Language: Avoid absolutes like “always” or “never” (“You never get this right”). Instead, use growth-oriented phrases: “You’re getting better at this every day.”
Monitor External Pressure: School, peers, or social media can fuel perfectionism. This could be easing up on grade obsession or limiting curated Instagram feeds that scream “perfect life.” Keep expectations grounded in reality.
*Sometimes, the outcome doesn’t represent the effort put in. A kid may stay up studying for a spelling test for weeks and just struggle with spelling. However, sometimes, the outcome results from a LACK of effort. It is essential to recognize these differences in kids so you can teach accountability. If they failed a spelling test because they skipped studying, doodled through class, and didn’t try, that is very different than if they tried their best and didn’t get an A. If a child is trying their best but still struggling, they may just need some extra help, like a trick or a tutor. But if you let a flunk slide without talking about effort, it sends the message, “It’s fine to coast.”
It’s important not to assume that just because they failed means they aren’t trying. There may be something else going on. This is different than a complete lack of effort. It’s important to know the difference! *
To The Adults
Perfectionism is in all of our lives. Picture the morning rush: you’re scrambling to pack a flawless lunch for the kids—neatly cut sandwiches, no smudges—while mentally replaying that work email you sent last night, wondering if the wording was “professional enough.” At the office or classroom, it’s the same dance—every report has to be error-free, every lesson plan polished to a sheen, because anything less feels like a personal fumble. Even downtime’s not safe: you might skip a casual coffee with friends because the house isn’t spotless, or you overthink a simple text reply until it’s “just right.” Perfectionism tags along everywhere, turning routine moments into high-stakes tests of your worth. It’s exhausting—like carrying a backpack full of rocks you don’t even need.
This constant chase for flawless shows up in quiet ways too. Maybe you’re the parent who can’t let a typo slide in a school note or the teacher who rewrites a handout three times because the font’s not perfect. At work, you might linger late, tweaking a presentation that was fine hours ago, driven by that nagging “what if it’s not enough?” voice. It’s not always loud ambition—sometimes it’s subtle, like avoiding a new recipe because you might burn it, or hesitating to volunteer because you’re not “the best” at it. Over time, perfectionism builds a wall: you stop trying new things, dodge risks, and beat yourself up over tiny missteps. You find yourself dodging that sinking “I failed” feeling all throughout the day.
So, how do we help ourselves ditch this heavy load? Start small—catch yourself in the act and reframe it. When you’re fussing over a “perfect” email, pause and say, “Good enough gets it done.” Swap the rocks for feathers: list three things you did well today—like listening to a friend or finishing a task—and let them count, flaws and all. Take a tiny risk weekly—try that recipe, send the unpolished note—and when it’s not a disaster, you’ll see the sky doesn’t fall. Breathe through the pressure: four counts in, four counts out, just long enough to quiet the “what if” spiral. And talk back to that inner critic—when it snipes, “You should’ve done better,” counter with, “I showed up, and that’s plenty.” It’s not about silencing perfectionism overnight—it’s about loosening its grip, one messy, human moment at a time. You’ll find you’ve got more room to live, laugh, and let go—and that’s a win worth keeping.
**Our children do not need us to be perfect. Our spouses do not need us to be perfect. Our friends do not need us to be perfect. You do not need anyone in your life to be perfect.**
**You do not need to be perfect**
