Checking in with your kids: Building Connection Through Conversation
Life goes fast. You wake up with a million things on your to-do list, and you are thinking of all the million other things you need to add to it. With how many worries and thoughts are running through your mind, it can be easy to forget to talk to your kids about their own thoughts and worries. Between school drop-offs, extracurricular activities, homework, and bedtime routines, opportunities to genuinely connect can slip away unnoticed. However, regularly checking in with your children isn’t just nice to do; it’s a critical part of fostering trust, safety, and connection in your relationship and can help you stay more present in your own life. This blog will discuss ways to “check-in” with your kids and open up the gates to a meaningful and connecting conversation where you both feel better.
Free 50-page Worksheet Bundle: CHECK-INS
Creating a Safe Space for Conversation
The key to meaningful check-ins is creating an environment where your child feels safe sharing and is not afraid or nervous about being judged, embarrassed, or yelled at. Here are some ways to create a safe place:
Be Present: Give your full attention during conversations. Put away distractions like phones and focus on your child. Like you, kids can tell when someone is genuinely listening to them and engaging with what they are talking about.
Practice Active Listening: Show empathy by reflecting back on what you hear. Listen for emotions through their stories. For example, say, “It sounds like you were really frustrated when your teammate stole the ball from you.” Or “ It seems like you were really happy and proud of yourself when you were chosen for star of the week!”
Ask follow-up questions.: Alongside active listening and reflecting back what you hear, ask questions that make them think about things differently. For example: “What were you most proud of yourself for when you became star of the week?” or “How does it feel to be seen for all the hard work you do and the kindness that you show"?'“
Avoid Judgment: Respond with curiosity and support rather than criticism, even if what they share surprises or concerns you. Kids will be more open and honest when they feel like they will not get immediately in trouble for something they have done. Hear them out, be curious, and come back to the concerning things they said afterward.
Validate Their Feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel however they’re feeling and relate with them when you can. “I completely get that you’d feel upset about that. I felt the same way at work this week and was so angry!”
Be Patient: Not every child is immediately forthcoming. Give them time to open up, and don’t rush the process. Sometimes, they are sorting through their own thoughts and feelings and need a little guidance on where to start.
The Power of Everyday Moments
Checking in doesn’t have to be a formal sit-down event. Often, the best conversations happen during ordinary moments. You only need a few minutes to have an open conversation that connects you and your kiddo. Practice finding little moments throughout the day and see what sort of fun conversations you can spark up! To you, it’s a 5-minute car ride, but to your kid, it can be a huge stress relief or a little moment where they feel heard and loved. These small moments can change the whole trajectory of their day!
Driving to school or practice
When they are eating breakfast
Sharing a meal
Taking a walk together
Bedtime routines
Tips for Busy Parents
Micro-Check-Ins: Even a quick “How’s your day going?” or other simple questions during transitions (like walking to the car or packing lunch) can foster connection.
Set a Routine: You could try scheduling a regular weekly “check-in time” that works for the family. For example, a Sunday evening chat about the week's highs and lows. Have the kids get involved, too, and ask their own questions to the family. Often, these may be questions that they themselves want to discuss!
Utilize Technology and Other Forms of Communication: If you can't always be present in person, there are other fun and creative ways to build a connection. These could be small texts, notes in lunchboxes, writing on their bathroom mirror, etc.
Navigating Tough Conversations
Not every conversation will be lighthearted, and that’s okay. When tough topics arise, approach them with empathy and openness. Remember, you don’t need to address things immediately after you hear them. Take the pressure off yourself to handle things right away, and give yourself some time to think about what you want to do. You have the power to bring things up at any point once you know how you want to address them, such as, “Hey Ryan, remember earlier when you were telling me about taking milk from the cart when you didn't have money? I have some thoughts about that and want to hear your thoughts, too. Can we talk about that some more?” This way, you can hear more about what they were thinking and not just assume they did it knowingly or with ill intentions. Chances are, they already know it was wrong and feel guilty about it. If not, you get the opportunity to talk about right from wrong and have a positive conversation about honesty, good intentions, and doing the right thing when no one is looking.
Stay Calm: Even if the topic is difficult, remaining calm shows your child that talking about hard things is safe. They will be more likely to tell you other things when they know you will not immediately judge them or yell at them. Kids learn that hiding things from parents is the only way to not get in trouble. Being open, nonjudgmental, and calm will help them feel like they can come to you with anything. Again, this doesn’t mean you don't discipline them or come back around to certain actions or behaviors they are showing. Think of it more as a ‘pause’ for you.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Asking more questions helps you understand their intentions and thoughts. Encourage them to share more by asking questions about why they handled something the way they did or their thoughts about their actions. Keep these questions coming from a place of curiosity rather than judgment.
Offer Reassurance: Let them know you’re there to support them, no matter what. Even if they make a mistake, you will figure it out as a team. Maybe this means they need to apologize to someone or right a wrong. They will want to come to you for help, knowing you are on their team and will help them through their mistakes.
Follow Up: Check back in after difficult conversations to show you care and haven’t forgotten. Bring it up later to discuss how they are feeling about it. Sometimes, you want to move on after a weird conversation, but addressing it again will never hurt.
The Long-Term Impact of Connection
By prioritizing regular check-ins with your kids, you’re not just addressing their immediate needs but laying the groundwork for a lifelong relationship built on trust and understanding. These conversations teach them the value of communication, help them navigate their emotions, and show them they are loved and supported. The more they talk and feel open with you and other safe people in their lives, the more they will learn to navigate challenging times independently. Many times, kids have the power to figure out problems on their own after they talk through them. Talking through thoughts, worries, or fears can help kids understand what they are really up against rather than the big monster they are creating in their minds.
Remember, it’s not about having the perfect words or solutions. What matters most is showing up consistently and listening with your heart. Those moments of connection will mean more to your child than you can imagine. Take the pressure off yourself to have all the answers. Sometimes, just sitting with your child in difficult, sad, or challenging moments will be exactly what they need.
